Tonight my heart broke a little for my eldest son. At the same time it surged with pride!
Let me give you a little background.
Both of my sons (12 & 10) play in an indoor soccer team and I am the team manager. Tonight we played a soccer team which are highly skilled and have beaten us every time. I respect the skill of the players and the team in general and I am proud that we have slowly improved over the course of the year.
The game tonight was tough and fast paced and my team played very well putting lots of pressure on the other team, it certainly wasn't a pushover like it had been in the past. Tonight Vaughan kicked the ball so hard it hit an opposing team member and knocked him to the ground. The ball bounced back at Vaughan and instead of taking advantage of the gap he stopped it with his foot, picked it up and checked the other player was OK, helping him to his feet. Asking him if he was OK.
The kid, once on his feet, snatched the ball off Vaughan and said "hand ball" and played it. The parents of that team laughed and clapped.
Vaughan looked at me confused. I said in a very loud voice (so the other parents could hear) to him that I was so proud of him for demonstrating good sportsmanship.
I am totally disgusted; that parents place emphasis on teaching their children to win at all costs and screw anyone who gets in their way. I find it pitiful that those parents are that pathetic that they need to live vicariously through their children. I am totally disgusted that Vaughan's magnanimous gesture was taken advantage of in a nasty and selfish way. My heart broke a little for him tonight.
However, I am, more than anything, incredibly proud of my son! I get a lump in my throat thinking about how awesome a man he is growing into. I am proud that I have helped raise this incredible, lovely, beautiful soul. My team may not have won tonight but I know where it matters my team were the champions tonight. That win they can take with them for the rest of their lives!
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Trying it
There is no disputing the fact that children feed off your emotions. When you escalate they do too. So today I have decided I will try a different tack. Today I am going to try my hardest not to yell.
I know, I know, after yesterday where I practically ended up yelling all day, it's a feat, but I am going to try and see if I can at least keep my cool.
I have sat the two older ones down and explained that by tormenting their littler sibling until they cry or scream, does not help me be a nice mummy, I can't stand the screaming, it is like 1,000 knives going through my brain. When they do that it just adds to my stress levels and significantly reduces my ability to keep my cool. I wasn't sure whether they had got it or not but apparently they did.
This morning Maya was slapping Lockie on the head repeatedly. Amazingly he did not give her a thermonuclear attack, he calmly sat there, called for me and did not respond. I then had to hold my anger in check, I mean seriously, in what universe would any sane person think it was a good idea to hit another person in the head for fun? Why on earth would you do that, and to the most volatile person in the house?
Inner dialogue: " you nasty little minx, you are doing this just to get a reaction out of him, it would serve you right if he knocked you right on your butt at the moment"
External dialogue : "Maya stop hitting Lockie on the head right now, immediately! Right get off the lounge. Apologise to Lachlan. Now go to your room for 5 minutes, you can not come out until the buzzer goes off. No I will not discuss it with you. Go to your room and do not come out for 5 minutes. Now Maya"
"Lachlan, I am SO proud of you for not responding, that must have been very hard to do and I am really proud of you for behaving in such a mature way! "
Maya starts screeching and pounding on the door.
Internal dialogue "oh FFS just shut up and suck it up, you were a mean little cow"
External dialogue " Maya you need to stop that, I will not respond to you when you are screaming at me. If you continue to bang on the door and yell I will add 5 minutes to your time"
Chaos subsides and I didn't yell well not on the outside anyway.
So lets see how an externally calm mumma affects their behaviour.
I know, I know, after yesterday where I practically ended up yelling all day, it's a feat, but I am going to try and see if I can at least keep my cool.
I have sat the two older ones down and explained that by tormenting their littler sibling until they cry or scream, does not help me be a nice mummy, I can't stand the screaming, it is like 1,000 knives going through my brain. When they do that it just adds to my stress levels and significantly reduces my ability to keep my cool. I wasn't sure whether they had got it or not but apparently they did.
This morning Maya was slapping Lockie on the head repeatedly. Amazingly he did not give her a thermonuclear attack, he calmly sat there, called for me and did not respond. I then had to hold my anger in check, I mean seriously, in what universe would any sane person think it was a good idea to hit another person in the head for fun? Why on earth would you do that, and to the most volatile person in the house?
Inner dialogue: " you nasty little minx, you are doing this just to get a reaction out of him, it would serve you right if he knocked you right on your butt at the moment"
External dialogue : "Maya stop hitting Lockie on the head right now, immediately! Right get off the lounge. Apologise to Lachlan. Now go to your room for 5 minutes, you can not come out until the buzzer goes off. No I will not discuss it with you. Go to your room and do not come out for 5 minutes. Now Maya"
"Lachlan, I am SO proud of you for not responding, that must have been very hard to do and I am really proud of you for behaving in such a mature way! "
Maya starts screeching and pounding on the door.
Internal dialogue "oh FFS just shut up and suck it up, you were a mean little cow"
External dialogue " Maya you need to stop that, I will not respond to you when you are screaming at me. If you continue to bang on the door and yell I will add 5 minutes to your time"
Chaos subsides and I didn't yell well not on the outside anyway.
So lets see how an externally calm mumma affects their behaviour.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Where to start?
There are times in your life as a mum when you think you are master of the universe, more often than not though, you feel inadequate, ineffective and a total, complete unadulterated failure.
In all honesty I probably should not have had children, I am impatient, selfish and had a very, very abusive childhood. Every single day I struggle with being a parent, and most of the time I think I do a pretty craptacular job of it.
"Why did I have kids?" you may ask. Fact is you don't know all this when you decide to have children. Nothing can prepare you for what's in store. The thousands of hours of lost sleep, the thousands of dollars, the abuse on your body and mind, always putting yourself last, rarely being appreciated and often derided. Let's not sugar coat it, kids are hard, bloody hard and to be totally honest, the rewards are thin on the ground.
Friends of mine speak about this "joy" they get from spending time with their children, how their children are their whole world and how they miss them terribly when they are not with them. I must be a crappy mum because I have never felt this "joy" they speak about, I have never had that aching, painful desire to spend time with them. I have never yearned just to hang out with them, ignoring all else. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids but they are not my everything, my whole world does not revolve around them. To be honest most of the time I find them tiring and demanding. The constant fighting erodes any self control I have and I often find myself yelling and ranting even though I don't want to. I try hard not to loose my temper, which often results in a headache. My children certainly are not a "joy".
We are constantly bombarded with "how" we should parent, how we should feel about it, how children should feel, what we should expect out of it and how it should all look from the outside. Media, alleged professionals, doctors, child experts, authors and advertising form this parenting paradigm. This image of a blissfully happy, etheral earth goddess mother figure, who effortlessly juggles domestic duties, raising kids and a career all while looking well rested and stunningly beautiful. A selfless, nurturing, calm and patient woman who gives of herself continuously and does so willingly and without resentment. Domestic goddess by day, sex goddess by night. By that measure I am a complete failure. Sure I acknowledge that a lot of that is rubbish, ideals placed on me by society, but I can't help that it stings a little, that I don't meet any of the "norms", not even by a long shot.
Unfortunately we are not encouraged to speak about this side of parenting. Parents are often derided by others when they express, honestly, that they are not enjoying being a parent. For some reason it is not OK to say that we would have made some decisions differently had we known then what we know now. When ever you tell someone that you simply are not "enjoying being a parent" people avert their gaze, mumble some well worn platitude about "this will pass" almost like they don't know what to say. Like the mere thought that you are not really feeling the love for this gig, is heinous, that you SHOULD enjoy it, that it should be enriching, fulfilling and rewarding. That there must be something wrong with you. That you are something to be avoided, that somehow they might catch your dissatisfaction. Perhaps I am the only parent who feels this way, but I don't think so. It may be dismissed as being negative, and to a degree it is, but you can put all the positive spin on it you like, it still doesn't change the fact that being a parent is hard and largely unrewarding.
This blog may seem to you like the whiney, whingey, self absorbed ego-centric rantings from a disillusioned brat, and in part you are right ... BUT.... and this is a big one, I am hoping that by expressing how I am feeling and getting it out there, I can examine it, own my feelings and grow into a better parent/ mother/ wife/ friend than what I currently am. I also hope that by saying out loud, it's OK to feel this way that other parents who have been hiding these feelings like a dirty little secret, may feel more comfortable taking a peek at themselves.
Fact is I am a mother to 4 children, I can't change that now. So I have a choice, I can do a crap job or a good one. I choose to try and do a good one. So don't just give up on me yet, this blog is a catharsis, an opportunity to exorcise my demons, speak my truth about parenting and grow.
Join me on a journey of self awareness, growth and honesty and see where it ends up. Hopefully I will become a better person through the process!
In all honesty I probably should not have had children, I am impatient, selfish and had a very, very abusive childhood. Every single day I struggle with being a parent, and most of the time I think I do a pretty craptacular job of it.
"Why did I have kids?" you may ask. Fact is you don't know all this when you decide to have children. Nothing can prepare you for what's in store. The thousands of hours of lost sleep, the thousands of dollars, the abuse on your body and mind, always putting yourself last, rarely being appreciated and often derided. Let's not sugar coat it, kids are hard, bloody hard and to be totally honest, the rewards are thin on the ground.
Friends of mine speak about this "joy" they get from spending time with their children, how their children are their whole world and how they miss them terribly when they are not with them. I must be a crappy mum because I have never felt this "joy" they speak about, I have never had that aching, painful desire to spend time with them. I have never yearned just to hang out with them, ignoring all else. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids but they are not my everything, my whole world does not revolve around them. To be honest most of the time I find them tiring and demanding. The constant fighting erodes any self control I have and I often find myself yelling and ranting even though I don't want to. I try hard not to loose my temper, which often results in a headache. My children certainly are not a "joy".
We are constantly bombarded with "how" we should parent, how we should feel about it, how children should feel, what we should expect out of it and how it should all look from the outside. Media, alleged professionals, doctors, child experts, authors and advertising form this parenting paradigm. This image of a blissfully happy, etheral earth goddess mother figure, who effortlessly juggles domestic duties, raising kids and a career all while looking well rested and stunningly beautiful. A selfless, nurturing, calm and patient woman who gives of herself continuously and does so willingly and without resentment. Domestic goddess by day, sex goddess by night. By that measure I am a complete failure. Sure I acknowledge that a lot of that is rubbish, ideals placed on me by society, but I can't help that it stings a little, that I don't meet any of the "norms", not even by a long shot.
Unfortunately we are not encouraged to speak about this side of parenting. Parents are often derided by others when they express, honestly, that they are not enjoying being a parent. For some reason it is not OK to say that we would have made some decisions differently had we known then what we know now. When ever you tell someone that you simply are not "enjoying being a parent" people avert their gaze, mumble some well worn platitude about "this will pass" almost like they don't know what to say. Like the mere thought that you are not really feeling the love for this gig, is heinous, that you SHOULD enjoy it, that it should be enriching, fulfilling and rewarding. That there must be something wrong with you. That you are something to be avoided, that somehow they might catch your dissatisfaction. Perhaps I am the only parent who feels this way, but I don't think so. It may be dismissed as being negative, and to a degree it is, but you can put all the positive spin on it you like, it still doesn't change the fact that being a parent is hard and largely unrewarding.
This blog may seem to you like the whiney, whingey, self absorbed ego-centric rantings from a disillusioned brat, and in part you are right ... BUT.... and this is a big one, I am hoping that by expressing how I am feeling and getting it out there, I can examine it, own my feelings and grow into a better parent/ mother/ wife/ friend than what I currently am. I also hope that by saying out loud, it's OK to feel this way that other parents who have been hiding these feelings like a dirty little secret, may feel more comfortable taking a peek at themselves.
Fact is I am a mother to 4 children, I can't change that now. So I have a choice, I can do a crap job or a good one. I choose to try and do a good one. So don't just give up on me yet, this blog is a catharsis, an opportunity to exorcise my demons, speak my truth about parenting and grow.
Join me on a journey of self awareness, growth and honesty and see where it ends up. Hopefully I will become a better person through the process!
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