Where to start?

There are times in your life as a mum when you think you are master of the universe, more often than not though, you feel inadequate, ineffective and a total, complete unadulterated failure.

In all honesty I probably should not have had children, I am impatient, selfish and had a very, very abusive childhood. Every single day I struggle with being a parent, and most of the time I think I do a pretty craptacular job of it.

"Why did I have kids?" you may ask. Fact is you don't know all this when you decide to have children. Nothing can prepare you for what's in store. The thousands of hours of lost sleep, the thousands of dollars, the abuse on your body and mind, always putting yourself last, rarely being appreciated and often derided. Let's not sugar coat it, kids are hard, bloody hard and to be totally honest, the rewards are thin on the ground.

Friends of mine speak about this "joy" they get from spending time with their children, how their children are their whole world and how they miss them terribly when they are not with them. I must be a crappy mum because I have never felt this "joy" they speak about, I have never had that aching, painful desire to spend time with them. I have never yearned just to hang out with them, ignoring all else. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids but they are not my everything, my whole world does not revolve around them. To be honest most of the time I find them tiring and demanding. The constant fighting erodes any self control I have and I often find myself yelling and ranting even though I don't want to. I try hard not to loose my temper, which often results in a headache. My children certainly are not a "joy".

We are constantly bombarded with "how" we should parent, how we should feel about it, how children should feel, what we should expect out of it and how it should all look from the outside. Media, alleged professionals, doctors, child experts, authors and advertising form this parenting paradigm. This image of a blissfully happy, etheral earth goddess mother figure, who effortlessly juggles domestic duties, raising kids and a career all while looking well rested and stunningly beautiful. A selfless, nurturing, calm and patient woman who gives of herself continuously and does so willingly and without resentment.  Domestic goddess by day, sex goddess by night. By that measure I am a complete failure. Sure I acknowledge that a lot of that is rubbish, ideals placed on me by society, but I can't help that it stings a little, that I don't meet any of the "norms", not even by a long shot.

Unfortunately we are not encouraged to speak about this side of parenting. Parents are often derided by others when they express, honestly, that they are not enjoying being a parent. For some reason it is not OK to say that we would have made some decisions differently had we known then what we know now. When ever you tell someone that you simply are not "enjoying being a parent" people avert their gaze, mumble some well worn platitude about "this will pass" almost like they don't know what to say. Like the mere thought that you are not really feeling the love for this gig, is heinous, that you SHOULD enjoy it, that it should be enriching, fulfilling and rewarding. That there must be something wrong with you. That you are something to be avoided, that somehow they might catch your dissatisfaction. Perhaps I am the only parent who feels this way, but I don't think so. It may be dismissed as being negative, and to a degree it is, but you can put all the positive spin on it you like, it still doesn't change the fact that being a parent is hard and largely unrewarding.

This blog may seem to you like the whiney, whingey, self absorbed ego-centric rantings from a disillusioned brat, and in part you are right ... BUT.... and this is a big one, I am hoping that by expressing how I am feeling and getting it out there, I can examine it, own my feelings and grow into a better parent/ mother/ wife/ friend than what I currently am. I also hope that by saying out loud, it's OK to feel this way that other parents who have been hiding these feelings like a dirty little secret, may feel more comfortable taking a peek at themselves.

Fact is I am a mother to 4 children, I can't change that now. So I have a choice, I can do a crap job or a good one. I choose to try and do a good one. So don't just give up on me yet, this blog is a catharsis, an opportunity to exorcise my demons, speak my truth about parenting and grow.

Join me on a journey of self awareness, growth and honesty and see where it ends up. Hopefully I will become a better person through the process!